It feels a bit surreal sitting down to write this post. It’s something I’ve thought through in my head and desired to do for nearly three years but if you know our journey (you can watch a video on that HERE or read about it HERE, HERE, or HERE), you know that wasn’t part of our story at the time.

The weeks leading up to our first baby’s due date were full of dread for me (a huge reason why I’m so thankful we went to Disney right around that time!). I clearly remember my doctor saying after my D&C, “Jordan, I haven’t experienced this myself but I just want to make you aware that the due date might be really tough for you.” I’m the type of person that thinks through a lot of “what ifs” and so I had a big feeling she would be right. I also was dreading it because it was in December, the time right between Thanksgiving and Christmas, which is my absolute favorite time of the year. I really didn’t want my broken heart to interfere with that.

The week of the baby’s due date I felt really sick. I went to workout to try to shake it off and felt generally fine doing that and then when I got home, my sweet friend Caitlin, who was deployed at the time, FaceTimed me. She was asking me how I was doing emotionally and how I was feeling. I told her I was a bit sad but I really was just not feeling well physically at all. She gave me a funny look and said, “Jordannnnn…” I said, “There is absolutely no way. It would be way too early for that anyway.”

We got off the phone and with very little hope, I decided to take a test. In the past three years, I’ve done this quite often just to get my mind from again asking “what if” so I could see the result and move on. As soon as I took the test though I had a weird feeling this one would be different… It was.

It was a huge shock. My brain was all over the place and I think to be frank, I was on the verge of freaking the you-know-what out. I immediately was filled with joy, fear, grief, and anxiety just to name a few of them. The rush of so many different emotions was very unexpected to me. I thought that I would be simply joyful and excited and nothing else. What I didn’t realize though at the time was that I was already starting to have PTSD like symptoms just from that little line showing up.

A few days later I went to the doctor to have the pregnancy confirmed. As much as I was trying not to be, I was on edge the entire time. An older nurse called me back into her office, she confirmed there indeed was a little tot in there, and then proceeded to calculate the due date. She put it into the computer and goes, “Oh my goodness!!! Your due date is August 12, 2020!!!” I said, “Yeah?!” She replied, “That’s my birthday!!!!” and I said, “It’s mine too!!!!” She looked at me with the biggest smile and said, “I’m going to be praying for you and this baby.” I thanked her said, “You were the angel I needed with me today.” You want to know the most amazing part about this? Even though I took the test so early, we found out about this life when baby #1 was due. It was and is the greatest gift.

I mentioned PTSD symptoms earlier and I don’t say that lightly whatsoever. I also don’t share this so that it’s assumed I was ungrateful or not happy, whatever one can come up with. That was/is not the case. What I experienced was very real and in my opinion, is not something people that have experienced loss are warned about. Which… HELLO! There is no manual for this stuff!!! I don’t blame anyone for not ‘warning me’. Also, I get it… People don’t want to say to someone else that’s already gone through the wringer, “Hey, by the way, when you do get pregnant again, it’s probably going to cripple you.” No person in their right mind says that… Heck, I preach over and over again to you guys the power of life-giving words. In my case though that warning would’ve been spot on. After experiencing our loss, it never occurred to me that I could feel anything but excited and happy when I got pregnant again. I felt so strong. I knew that whatever happened I could make it through, because I’d already proven that. Goodness, I was so blindsided. I was excited and happy but more than ever before in my life I was crippled by fear, worry, deep sadness, and dread. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone at all about the baby. I felt like I was constantly battling my desire to stand so firm and step out in my faith with fear (aka the opposite of faith and not authored by God). I felt so weak.

Why am I even sharing this? Not for your sympathy or to cause fear in your own situation whatsoever. I know quite a few of you have experienced loss too and since there’s no manual for what to do, I’m just going to share what helped me get through it. You might not experience this at all! My prayer is that you don’t. Everyone’s journey is different. This is what I did to fight through mine:

1. I took it day by day. Not only did I not have energy in me to worry about tomorrow, but I realized quickly that all it did was heighten the fear I was experiencing exponentially. Matthew 6:34 says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
2. Along with that, I had to constantly choose to be present and choose joy in that day. Some days went better than others.
3. I gave myself a whole lot of grace. I think this is important but I also think it can be taken advantage of and again, our negative emotions and feelings can be heightened because of the “grace” we’re giving ourselves. I really didn’t want to show up on Instagram and act like everything was fine and dandy because it wasn’t. So I didn’t. I gave myself grace with that. But I did work really hard to continue showing up for my marriage, for my family, and my friends. I’m not saying it was always a walk in the park… I did my best though.
4. I prayed. A lot. I also screamed at the enemy… A lot. I know many of you think that’s certifiably insane but I know from John 10:10 that any fear, anxiety, worry, etc. I was feeling was not from Jesus. It was the enemy. He knew this would be another story to tell and glorify God so he was working mighty hard. He needed to be commanded to leave so that’s what I did.
5. I read the Bible even more. The Holy Spirit has a really powerful and phenomenal way of highlighting Scripture that I (we) need to hear in that very moment. One day in particular was really tough for me. Stephen knew it so he opened up the Bible to a random chapter and started reading out loud. It brought us both to tears. We know without a doubt God was taking us both under His wing to bring us peace and comfort. It worked.
6. I told my Godly counsel what I was going through and they surrounded me in prayer. YOU NEED TO LIFT YOURSELF UP IN PRAYER TOO! That’s so important but I know it was also so incredible to have my people always speaking TRUTH back to me and not just their feelings. Especially when I was feeling so weak.
7. I really tried not to overanalyze what my body was experiencing. This one is extremely hard. I mean extremely hard. I was very aware of every single thing I felt. A lot of people will say not to Google your symptoms and there is validity in that statement but I found that in most cases, it actually brought me a lot of comfort. I didn’t just go look it up first thing though. I always tried to pray first and then ask for guidance on how to proceed. If that was to Google well then that’s what I did and if it wasn’t then I’d go try to stay busy doing something else like reading, for example, or watching “The Office”.

All of this happened in the weeks leading up to Christmas and a couple of weeks following it which is the main reason I wasn’t around much, especially on Instagram. I’ve never fought so hard in my life. Stephen knew what I was dealing with and was so incredibly great through it all but since it’s a battle that is unseen and one that many haven’t gone through, most people have no clue what it’s like or that it’s happening at all. I don’t blame them whatsoever!!! There’s also no manual for friends/family of ones dealing with something like this, by the way.

Our first appointment was a big deal for me emotionally and mentally (for both of us really). Every ultrasound appointment I had ever gone to up to that point had included some sort of bad news. Because of that, my heart again was battling between preparing for more bad news and standing in faith and believing that it was going to go well. I was anxious in the weeks and days leading up to it and even walking into the waiting room but as soon as I sat down, I realized worship music was playing and started to get choked up. He knew that’s what I needed and again, my prayers to bring me comfort and peace that day were answered. The appointment went really well. Not only was the baby joyfully dancing away in there but they confirmed that the due date is indeed still my birthday based on how the Tot is measuring (again, something I had never experienced before). Stephen got to be there to witness it all with his own eyes! I know it was an extra special time for him too.

Since then we’ve had another appointment and it went well too! I know that the fight isn’t over but in general I feel so much better now. I feel more like myself. Feelings of sheer joy and excitement have nearly completely squashed the anxiety, fear, lack of desire to share or talk about it, etc. now. I feel like I can breathe.

I’m also so incredibly happy to be sharing this with you all finally. I’ve really really disliked “keeping it from you”. I know I could’ve shared whenever but I just wanted to feel in a good place and make sure that Stephen was in agreement on that too.

Another piece of that is that I know as joyful as a time this is for us, it can cause some heartache for others on their own baby journey. I know I can’t control the way people feel or react whatsoever. I know that. But I also know how it feels to see another announcement and to just hurt a bit inside, despite how excited you are for someone. It’s so hard and I want you to know we’re still fighting for you. I’m going try to be as cognizant about how and what I share. I don’t really know if there’s a perfect answer to the balance between sharing this experience and trying not upset anyone. I’ll try to find it though! If I cause you any upset and you need to unfollow/mute me please do. I would hate to be the source of any hurt.

Thank you all so much for you love and support and for your thousands of prayers! Every single one was heard and so appreciated. We can’t wait to bring you along on our greatest adventure to date!

Questions We’ve Been Asked/Ones I’m Anticipating on Receiving:

Did you use anything to help you get pregnant or do anything “special”?

Jesus and Progessence Plus (I’ll share all about this on @jordyjeanjoyls sometime this week). 😂 I actually prayed a ton about whether or not to use that serum before I started using it. Other than that, I didn’t follow a specific diet or avoid gluten and dairy, etc. Heck! A week of that month was spent in Disney where I ate everything under the sun. I also didn’t track my cycle that month which was very abnormal for me and we didn’t ‘time’ anything. My prayer for so long had been, “God, I want this to just be a YOU thing. All you. Nothing else can get the “credit”.” Sure enough, that’s what happened.

Are you going to have the baby in South Carolina or Mississippi?

Good question! 😂 We still don’t know. We haven’t received any orders yet so we don’t know when we’ll be moving and if it’s possible to push the date back at all so that we have the baby here. We’ll find that out eventually though, of course! I’ll keep you all updated.

Are you going to do a nursery since you’re moving?

If we end up having to move in May-ish then no. If we go later in the year we’ll do a little something but it won’t be anything big I don’t think. If we do anything it’ll actually be more for staging purposes to sell the house than it would be for the baby.

Are you going to find out the gender?

Nope!! I know it’s beneficial if you want the nursery done specifically with the baby’s gender in mind and for the registry. I’m not really concerned about the nursery being gender specific though and for the registry, I’d want things that can be used for multiple kids (no matter the gender) anyway. I also just think it’s going to be SO FUN! It’s going to be like opening up the greatest present! You can have your own opinions about this, by the way. 😉 This is just what we’ve decided to do and have no plan on changing it.

Have more questions? Message them to me on Instagram and I’ll get them all answered in my next post!