April was one of the most exciting months ever for us! Not only was I leaving the corporate world but after a year and a half+ of negatives, we finally received our first ever positive pregnancy test (the same week I was leaving my job!). I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment, I’ve never ugly sobbed so much in my life. I told Stephen that night and it was such a joyful time and telling my parents will always be one of the most special memories for me. We were over the moon and in awe at how perfect God’s timing is.
For those wondering, this all happened “spontaneously” as the doctors call it, one month after making THESE changes! I know ultimately that it was all God but I also know that He gave me the desire to dig (and dig and dig) into essential oils, gut health, and endocrine disruptors. The combination of the changes we made in our home has helped us on our journey in more ways than just finally getting pregnant.
Throughout the entire pregnancy, I was so excited but I just didn’t feel like myself. I struggled to get motivated and find energy to work on projects or the blog. It was like there was always a cloud looming over me. I couldn’t get my thoughts straight and I literally didn’t want to do ANYTHING. I know part of that was just that I needed a break after completely exhausting myself at work. It was a very odd time for me. Either way, I was glad to embrace any symptoms thrown my way. Stephen and I had prayed for months and months leading up to this time that I wouldn’t have any morning sickness and sure enough, I didn’t! We were very thankful for that.
Through all of the testing we completed while working with a fertility specialist we learned that I have a disorder with my blood as well a mutation in one of the clotting factors of my blood called Protein C deficiency and Factor V Leiden. If you’re curious or have the same thing, we were told that this did NOT hinder our chances of conceiving but I’d suggest talking with your own doctors. Even though we didn’t receive any assistance from the specialists to conceive, they considered me a high risk case due to the time it took for us to get pregnant coupled with these blood issues. This meant that we received ultrasounds much sooner and much more frequently than most couples.
Our first ultrasound was at 6 weeks. At that time they weren’t able to see a fetal pole in the yolk sac yet. It was disheartening but Stephen and I remained faithful. Two weeks later at the 8 week mark, my Mom went in with me for another one. We were able to see the little nugget and see its heartbeat! It was measuring small (6 weeks) at that time but had a really strong heartbeat. My mom was SO excited. I loved having her there to witness that with her own eyes. There’s something in my gut that believes it was the last day that sweet little heart was beating.
Due to the babies size at that time, I needed to come in another 10 days later for another ultrasound. Last Tuesday, I went in for that appointment and found out that not only was our baby still measuring exactly the same as the last ultrasound (I was 10 weeks at this point) but it no longer had a heartbeat. I knew it wasn’t good as soon as I looked at the screen, even before she looked for the heartbeat. I didn’t freak out or panic. I just knew in my heart that this baby wasn’t meant to be here on Earth with us. I texted Stephen immediately and said, “This doesn’t look good. Start praying.” The next call to him was to tell him that I was experiencing was the doctors call a missed miscarriage (which really sucks to do after your husband has been across the country for the past month, by the way).
There is a reason I “just knew” when I saw the ultrasound (but I did have them double check to be sure). This is going to sound crazy to most of you but it’s not something I doubt in my mind whatsoever. Two days before we found out we were pregnant, I had a conversation with God in the bathtub. There’s a lot to it that I’ll share when the time comes but He told me that we were about to go through something difficult but that it would be worth it because we were going to have twins. Twins?! Those had never crossed my mind until that conversation. Weeks later when I saw the ultrasound with one sweet little baby in there, my heart already was starting to get prepared. Sharing about this with you all is not something I mulled over lightly but I think it’s important because I know that experience brought me a tremendous amount of peace and strength during this trial.
These past few weeks I haven’t experienced denial or anger and I didn’t feel as though I should try to change the circumstances, as described in the Kübler-Ross model aka the five stages of grief. I am certainly sad and I’m sure December 9 of this year won’t be easy but I also know that there is so much more to our story and I find comfort in that. I’m so thankful we were able to get to this point. Do I wish that the circumstances were different? It’s crazy to say but not necessarily. I know these trials are building up endurance (James 1:2-4) and He has big plans for our family.
The most difficult part for me in this whole situation was that the baby would just not pass on its own. I’ve never been angry with God for any of this, I know this is not His will, but in the midst of the waiting, I started to get frustrated. I didn’t want to be but I was praying constantly that it would let me move on but day after day nothing was happening. I waited and waited to finally get pregnant and now I’m waiting to finally NOT be? How frustrating is that? I felt like I couldn’t live to the fullest, like that cloud was still hovering over me and like we couldn’t move on. Finally when the baby passed yesterday, I realized that was all a part of the plan too. I was so ready and so at peace during a time that is usually so traumatizing and horrific for women. I know deep in my core that those three weeks of carrying that lifeless baby inside of me was again, another time of preparation that He knew I would need.
I don’t want to tell you these things to make you sad. I do want to share my heart though because I truly do believe it’s something God has been molding and forming like a piece of clay for these past 20 months. My reaction and feelings are probably not typical for someone going through this and I think that molding/forming season is the reason why. If you’re going through some sort of trial whether it’s a miscarriage or not, I encourage you to let yourself be molded. Don’t try to mold yourself. It won’t work, I can tell you that right now. Let HIM do the work and praise Him in this storm.
“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.” John 16:33
This is a time to rejoice! Our bodies were finally able to prove after all of this time that we are capable of creating a child and I believe this story will be used to help others experiencing something similar. To me, that’s worth celebrating! Thank you all for your support. I’m so excited to have you all along with us for this next season.