I wrote the words I’m about to share below nearly two months ago now but never mustered up the courage or time to finish my thoughts and hit ‘publish’. As I went to edit my drafts today, I noticed this post, opened it, and read through these words. I almost deleted them and then instead decided to leave them to somewhat nervously share. They explain quite a bit I suppose and are a bit of a preface to more of this post. More importantly, they were written in a very raw state. I spit them out like I was writing in my journal and while I don’t think my journal needs to be shared on the internet, I do want you to know that if you’re experiencing a fog like this postpartum, know you are not alone. I’ll explain some below about the nerdy rabbit hole I’ve gone down because of that fog and how it has lifted. Hopefully it provides you some answers and clarity too.
I don’t know why starting this post feels a little emotional for me. I suppose there are a few reasons for that… Let’s unpack this. Since Sophie’s birth, I really haven’t even known what I should pray for concerning myself. You need me to pray over you? I will gladly and without hesitation. As for me, it was hard to even process what words. My dear friends text me on the first day of every single month with a “How can I pray for you this month?” (boy am I so grateful for such faithful friends…) and I have genuinely struggled to respond. Praise the Lord for the intercession of the Holy Spirit, am I right? I constantly speak with the Lord but it wasn’t until today, seven months later, that I noticed that the fog has started to lift in the last month or so and I can think a bit straighter. While in prayer this morning, the word that I have so badly been yearning to find in the last seven months came to me crystal clear- clarity. Lord, give me clarity.
Why does it make me emotional? I suppose it’s because if I’m not thinking clearly, I don’t feel like myself and it’s a bit sad to not feel like myself. I feel quite literally all over the place. It’s one of those scenarios in which I don’t entirely realize it’s happening until I start thinking clearly. I mean, let’s be frank here, I am always thinking one million miles a minute, that’s just how I am. But this is on a different level of “all over the place”. I have so many projects I want to complete and the to do list is forever long but I have been lacking the ability to DO because I have felt like I can’t even think on one thing long enough to complete it. For the record – it sounds crazy and like a load of excuses if you haven’t experienced it but it’s the truth to how I’ve been feeling. Anyway, I feel like I can finally start thinking clearly enough to move forward versus continue running in circles. For the record – I remember experiencing this in the postpartum period after Ellie too. I find that it’s worse for me when I’m not eating nutrient dense foods, of course, and a mineral supplement helps among other things. Those hormones really get me good… Thank you Jesus that they are starting to regulate a bit more.
So there you have it, a brain dump of how I felt up until about a solid month ago and part of the explanation as to why I haven’t been on Instagram for over a month now. By the way, those of you that have reached out to me asking if I’m okay, you are all so incredibly kind. Thank you. I am. I am very well (now) but I have been taking this break because 1. I do every year around the holidays so that I can be fully present with our family who we only get to see a few times a year and so I can soak up all of the joy of the season with Stephen and the girls. 2. The holidays came and as I thought about 2023 and what I want to focus on and improve, I couldn’t help but hear the word discipline.
I lack discipline. There I said it. I lack discipline. Probably almost two years ago I had a dream… It actually makes me laugh out loud thinking about it but in the dream I had to unexpectedly (as a non-pilot) land an F-35 on an aircraft carrier and my dream self was able to do it. In the debrief afterward (mind you… I have no idea what a debrief even looks like or how it goes down which is why this is hilarious), they were all congratulating me for doing a job well done, kicking butt, etc. and the flight lead said, “Okay, let’s share what she could’ve done better.” I remember jokingly saying in my dream, “Dude what? I just landed a fighter jet on an aircraft carrier and I’ve never flown anything in my life! This is not the time for criticism!” A fellow girl looks me straight in the eyes and says, “You lack discipline.” As the giggling in the group came to a halt I stood there staring at her as she repeated herself, “You lack discipline. Be more disciplined.” The image of her face transformed into my ceiling as I lay there wide eyed and prayed, “I hear you, Lord. I need to be more disciplined.”
She was not wrong. I can work my tail off, yes. But really since I left grad school I have lacked discipline. Work ethic and discipline are not the same. I’ve learned the hard way that my lack of discipline can spill into so many areas of my life that things can start to crumble really quickly and then start to impact really my entire family. Because the truth is mamas, we set the tone of the household. So when I haven’t been disciplined about my prayer + Scripture time or when I haven’t been disciplined about fueling myself and my family with nutrient dense foods or when I haven’t been disciplined about keeping up with the house (no matter how large or small of a task), the result can look like a lack of clarity, a lack of peace, a lack of order, and a whole lot of hangry.
I decided on our 15 hour drive back to Mississippi that 2023 would be the year of discipline. This can be very broad so I narrowed down the area I want to focus on first – our home. The goal for me is to put nearly bomb-proof systems in place so that our house can run like a well-oiled machine no matter the season we’re in. I can hear the eye rolls from here… I know it’s unrealistic to expect things to look my version of well-oiled in every season but I do believe that having solid systems in place will keep us pretty darn close. And hey, what’s the hurt in trying?
While I’ve been trying to work those systems practically engrained into my DNA, I’ve remained off of Instagram. This Instagram ‘thing’ is something I wrestle with often actually. Time is a thief. I’m aware my kids are developing and growing by the literal millisecond and I don’t want to miss that because I was too busy staring at my phone. At the same time, I’ve built businesses using that app. I’ve met some of the greatest people I know on that app. I’ve developed rock solid, faith-filled friendships on that app. I learn a LOT on that app! Sourdough tips. Homemaking skills. Recipes. DIY ideas. You name it! The list goes on and on. It can be SO HELPFUL! But my babies. They do not keep and this time with them is not something I want to look back on and think, “Man, I wish I had spent less time on my phone and more time _____.” All of that to say, I’m still trying to navigate exactly what I’m going to do moving forward. One thing I do know – the Lord has given me gifts that He calls me to put to use and (I pray) bless others with. This little space of the internet, “my baby” before my Ellie Joy and Sophie James made their way into the world, jordanjean.com, will be my primary place to share them. I’ve spent quite literally years trying to manage all of the outlets I’m “supposed” to be an expert at sharing on as a content creator and have lost focus of where I really love sharing – here. So this is where I’ll be.
Speaking of that! I have a few things coming that I’m SO EXCITED about and that many many many of you have been asking for so be on the lookout for the announcement on HERE first! I hope it brings so many of you joy. I have a feeling it will!
If you’re still with me here… Big bear hug for you. I don’t take it lightly that you take your precious time to read the words I share. Let’s get into these five things I’m LOVING right now though, shall we?
Okay it’s time to cut me off… Thank you for being here today! I look forward to all that is to come on here. YOU ARE A BLESSING! I hope you know that.
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